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See comments in brackets within the text and see general comments below text.
Final Draft
Essay 4
When my parents were growing up, cars were far less efficient than they
are in today’s world. To be
statistical, they are 95% more efficient today than they were 30 years
ago (
Cities of our time are far better suited for public
transportation then are the suburbs.
With the congestion that currently exists and the accurate stops
to which people can accommodate themselves, its no wonder to anyone why
trains and buses get full use 24 hours a day in major cities.
With over 10 different main subway lines running out of Penn
station and thousands of stops which branch off of those.
People are far more able to travel in compact environments and
would rather use the public transportation after knowing the
circumstances. I don’t
think a strong argument could be made for cars being a better choice to
travel in the big city. [THERE IS SOME LACK OF CLARITY HERE IN
DESCRIBING PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.] However, my argument lies in the
simple fact that cars do a better job for people who live where trains
and buses for the majority do not, in the suburbs.
As James Wilson writes in his essay “Cars and their enemies,
‘cars outperform public transit in getting people quickly and
efficiently from their front doors to their work places’ (
However through all this, Erik Sherman, the writer of an article
entitled “Tales of commuter Terror,” holds that public transportation is
the best form of transportation.
In his article he states that “Some truck carrying hazardous
material will tip over, and then, of course, the road’s got to be closed
or rerouted until cleanup is done”(Sherman 1).
Public transportation only survives by the skin of its teeth each year
because it provides for the areas where the most people are going [DO
YOU MEAN WHERE THEY’RE TRAVELING TO?].
It’s not even successful for the general majority.
It merely works because it gets people to the main stops or
places where they are within hopefully a 5 – 10 mile radius of their
working place or home. This
is all swell in dandy [CHECK CONSTRUCTION], however, I am afraid to note
that Wilson also writes with all this being said; “solo car trips made
up over half all trips to work.”
[YES, LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE STILL DRIVING; CHECK YOUR USE OF THE
SEMI-COLON] Basically this is saying that transportation exists, but
people choose not to use it because of a few major reasons [IT’S NOT
ONLY THE QUOTE THAT IS SAYING THIS, BUT THE WHOLE PARAGRAPH SO FAR].
Amongst these reasons exists the fact that people can’t be
guaranteed the arrival of transportation [DO YOU MEAN ARRIVAL TIME?].
With its limited times of departure and arrival, people can
merely estimate what time they will arrive. With the car, a person
“holds his own destiny.”
Meaning basically that if I need to arrive before 5 am for a meeting, I
can count on myself and not on that of a beak down, which leads me to my
next point[TRUE, BUT IF YOU’RE DRIVING, YOUR CAR MIGHT BREAK DOWN TOO].
People can never be guaranteed there trips [SP/PUNC] arrival on
time because it is always in the hands of other people.
The
The car makes people in the suburbs solely reliant on themselves.
The car’s privacy and effectiveness, for people who live in less
congested areas, makes it the best choice of transportation for those in
the suburbs. When it comes down to it, for a dependable, accurate trip,
a trip without headaches, a commute with a guaranteed time of arrival,
if it’s in the suburbs then it has to be the car.[BE CAREFUL OF
ALL-OR-NOTHING STATEMENTS; THEY ARE RARELY TRUE. THERE MAY NOT BE
HEADACHES IN PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, AND THERE MAY BE DELAYS DRIVING,
TOO. WHEN I’M LISTENING TO
TRAFFIC REPORTS, THERE ARE FEW FEWER DELAYS IN PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.]
The car has proven to me and to many who have read my essay, that
the car is the better fit for commuting in the suburbs.
Just something to think about.[BE CAREFUL OF OBTRUSIVE AUTHOR
HERE; JUST WRITE WITHOUT THE ADDITION OF THE INFORMAL, CONVERSATIONAL
COMMENTS.]
Works Cited
[THERE ARE FORMATTING PROBLEMS WITH WORKS CITED]
Wilson, James Q. Cars
and Their Enemies.
Text: Presence of Others.
Copyright 2000 by Bedford/St. Martin’s publishing.
Sherman, Erik. Tales of
Commuter Terror
Dear Student, You have moved well from your draft. You have provided a clear thesis; your argument is well-stated, although you might have led into it with more specificity. You also have a good sense of the texts that you’re using, but you might want introduce the actual sources and integrate even more textual analysis to help make your points. In some sense, your thesis is not exactly arguable; most people would agree that, lacking an extensive public transportation system, automobiles are more practical for the suburbs. However, automobiles can also have problems – breakdowns, traffic tie-ups, and so on – so your argument would be stronger if you took these potential issues into account and attempted to refute them. You do include some valid criticisms of public transportation, including your uncle’s experience and scheduling and mechanical problems. You have a strong sense of what you want to say, but you need to be more organized in the flow of your argument. Finally, there are a number of mechanical and MLA formatting issues that need to be addressed. And try to be more formal in your tone – some of your informal introductory phrases (i.e., “this is all swell in dandy” or “although I must say”) could be left off the sentences, and your points would be much more direct and convincing. This would make the tone of your writing more academic. This is a strong effort overall. From your teacher
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